Suzanne Edison, MA, MFA

Poet • Educator

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Self-care, or, What to Do so the Well doesn’t Run Dry

the many ways one can relax

After facilitating, and listening to a group of moms at a camp for kids with Juvenile Arthritis, I am thinking about the issues surrounding self-care more deeply.

It’s been over 10 years since my own child was diagnosed with a rare, autoimmune illness and I’ve been teaching and facilitating writing and support groups for many years that deal with the full complement of issues that bubble up on this life journey. But today made me remember some basics about self-care and its importance in parenting a child with any health issue.

#1 Every parent wants to be there for their child but how do you care for someone if you are a wet noodle on the floor, exhausted mentally and physically?

Corresponding concerns around this dilemma involve these questions:

Are my mom/parent needs important?  Do I deserve to take care of myself?  Even if I think the answer to these questions is yes, there’s simply no time left for me.

#2 Ah ha! the Time issue–or how to carve out space and time for yourself

Some suggestions from the moms I spoke to include: Leave a white space on your calendar.  Or, actually put something ON the calendar that is for you. Make sure you have a weekly or monthly STANDING event, like a phone call with a friend or family member, or a regular date for tea, wine or a walk.

#3 I asked them to think about what they do that is both a relief AND a pleasure. Maybe they do only something that is a relief, but I know that something that also brings pleasure is enlivening. Some other suggestions included:

a hot bath, reading a novel, getting your hair or nails “done”, taking a class in (meditation, yoga, exercise), taking a walk with your child (there’s an idea!), date night with someone.

#4 Which brings me back to the issue of, are my needs important? Again, if you can say yes to this, how do you let others (your kids, your partner/spouse/friends) know what you need?

One woman said that now that her kids are older (10 & 15) she says to them, “I have needs too, and I’m going to go to my room for awhile and be alone.”  Another woman said she says to her friends, “I need some time with you.” I also suggested that we start saying to friends and family members that “I don’t want you to fix me or my problems, I just need you to listen.”  This can be hard or a relief for some friends; it’s certainly worth trying out.

A single parent said that going to therapy was exactly what she needed and someone else made a plea for understanding mental health needs and issues. The more we talk about them and bring them out of the dark closet of shame, the better off we all are.

#5 There might be other reasons or barriers that we set up for ourselves so we don’t make time for self-care. Try to figure out what those might be and see if you can find 1 thing that you can let go of to make room. Then, do 1 thing for yourself and see what happens. Did you feel anxious not doing the thing you usually do? Did you feel good doing the new thing? Did you feel guilty?  Just notice them. Then try it again. And again.

Or find a different thing that is still self-caring but maybe doesn’t bring as much anxiety. Work up to something once a week. Then once a day, even if it’s lying on the couch with a book over your face and a cup of tea nearby. Seriously, pretty soon, your kids will learn that this is your time. And they will also learn that it’s ok to take a little time for oneself.

They will see, and feel you return to them with a bit more energy, more focus, less stress. Even for a minute or two. Win, win.

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The Words to Say It: Writing about Illness, Trauma and Healing

I want to let you know about a 5 week course I’ll be teaching this Fall at Richard Hugo House in Seattle.

The Words to Say It: Writing about Illness, Trauma and Healing.

Course Description:
By focusing on the craft of writing we can transform personal experience into art. Readings will include excerpts from: Poetry in Medicine; The Healing Art: A Doctor’s Black Bag of Poetry; Poetry as Survival; Beauty is a Verb, and writers Alicia Ostriker, Lucia Perillo, Susan Sontag, Lucille Clifton, Anatole Broyard, and Kevin Young, among many others.

The course will be both poetry and creative non-fiction oriented. You may write in whatever form you want.

We will look at forms, how specific forms of elegy, narrative, the lyric and prose help hold and extend the language/story.
We will stretch our language capacities, looking past cliche to surprising images.
We will look at negative and positive space, e.g. what is and is not “on the page”, engaging the reader in active imagination.

Each week we will read, discuss and write. In the last class students may bring a piece of their own to workshop for feedback.

DATES: Saturdays 9/23, 9/30 (note, we will skip 10/7 as I have a prior commitment), 10/14, 10/21, 10/28.
TIME: 10 am – 12 pm
LOCATION: Hugo House, 1021 Columbia St, Seattle, WA 98104

Important dates as you spread the word:

Member Registration – Aug. 15
General Registration – Aug. 22
Scholarship Applications Due – Aug. 25
Early Bird Pricing Ends – Aug. 28

Register here.

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The Effects of Misdirection: When the Immune System is Led Astray

I’m very excited to announce that 4Culture of King County Washington, a cultural arts program, has awarded me a grant to pursue this poetry / art / interview / writing project.  I have the great, good fortune to be partnering with the Benaroya Research Institute in this endeavor.

I am posting a project description, here, and I will make updates on the project as it moves along.

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Hospital Learning Community–What to do when overwhelmed

Iskra Johnson

In March I was asked to participate in a Learning Community event at Seattle Children’s Hospital for non-direct care, non-clinical staff, to learn about ways to manage and express their emotions or reactions when hearing stories from patients and patient’s families.

I was one of two parents who was asked to tell her story. The rest of the participants came from a variety of jobs in the hospital. There were clinic schedulers, clinic supervisors, people from the insurance processing department (who participated via webcam from another building), continuous improvement personnel, a hospital chaplain, and others. A social worker from the Family Support Team led the event and she asked me if I would also create a writing opportunity/exercise for everyone.

The format of the event included hearing from everyone in the room about what their position in the hospital entailed and what they hoped to gain from today’s event. There were more than 20 people in the room and more via webcam. I was stunned at the desire and need that these dedicated people were expressing.

Some of the comments I heard included:

“I hear so much frustration from the parents when insurance won’t cover a needed treatment or medicine.”

I feel: “…sad”,”…overwhelmed…”, “…angry…”, “…frustrated.”

“How do I control myself from crying?”  Others said, “I do cry, but then what ?”

People wanted to know how to honor the family’s experience and support their staff simultaneously.

I suggested to the social worker the following ideas before they heard from us parents:

a) they should write down their hopes and fears from today.

Then, while they listened to our stories:

a) encourage them to notice what they are feeling in their bodies, what thoughts come to them, and without judging those reactions, write them down.

As a parent, I was asked to talk about my journey with my child, what I had learned as a parent, and what I wanted others to know about my current and future interactions with them. But first, I read a poem I had written called Only Serious Applicants Need Apply. It was a conglomeration of feelings and experiences that many parents who have kids with ongoing health issues face. I had written it a few years ago and I felt it captured not only the various roles we as parent caregivers embody, but it also expressed loss, grief, fear, helplessness, and a heightened sensory awareness.

Then, since they had heard from two parents about their ongoing journeys and the struggles and joys we encounter, I asked them to notice again in their bodies what they “carry.” I took them through an inventory of the major areas of the body, areas that we tend to hold feelings and thoughts: head, shoulders, heart, belly, legs, back, etc. I asked them to notice if there was weight in any of those areas, and if so, what sort of image might describe that weight. I suggested they use all their senses to best articulate that weight.

Finally, I asked them to imagine a container for one area of what they are carrying. And again, to describe it in images with color, texture, sound etc.  If they could put the container somewhere for awhile, where would that be? And if there was something in it that’s useful, what is it?

The range of responses demonstrated their considerable engagement in the whole process. Someone wrote a poem where a tree was her container, and the various parts of the tree held different aspects of her. Other images included a basket, a bubble with rainbow colors, a quartz crystal, a snake on velvet cushions and a jewelry box. There was a sense of being “brave” about sharing these images and there was much support within the group for their vulnerability.

At the end, I suggested that people could take 10 minutes before going home to write about their experiences or at night before bed, as a way to help “hold” and acknowledge their realities simultaneously.

Overall, I came away from this experience feeling grateful for the opportunity to both reflect on my experiences as a parent with a child with health issues and to offer others some of the exercises I’ve used to both contain and express these intense feelings. When folks who are not direct care givers want to expand their capabilities within a hospital setting, and when this expansion is about growing as humans, then the care they will give and we will receive, will also  offer more genuine support and honesty.